Thrillobytes: bite-sized horror Read online

  Jupiter - If you can get to Jupiter during a horror film than you should be safe. Everyone knows that all the aliens are on Mars. Avoid Pluto however as it is full of Disney characters.

  Jump - Jumping out of a window to escape bad guy = Good. Jumping across the gap between the rooftop of two buildings = Bad.

  -K-

  Kylie Minogue - The princess of the ancient pixie clan of downunderoth. Feeds on the souls of teenage girls and middle-aged men. She must be stopped by improving our tastes in popular music.

  Kangaroo - A kangaroo cannot help you in a horror movie. An army of genetically engineered Kangaroos however...

  Key - Mysterious keys left behind by dead relatives always lead to a dusty old chest in their attics. Best you just leave that old thing closed...seriously, you don't need to know what's in there.

  Kaboom - Kabooming the bad guy is the only way to be sure they are dead. Stabbing and shooting will not stop a masked serial killer permanently. Only strapping a bomb and kaboombing them will do this.

  Kilimanjaro - Mountains have yetis and other mysterious monsters. If you are planning to climb a mountain soon then you should ensure you pack both a shotgun and copious amounts of energy bars.

  Kirsty Allie - Kirsty Allie hungry. Kirsty Allie will eat you! Cheers ruled...

  Knife - This common, everyday kitchen implement accounts for 94% of horror movie deaths. That is why we should all sign an international treaty that replaces all knives with plastic 'sporks'. It's the only way we will survive people.

  Kong - Big monkey. Bad!

  Klingons - Wrong genre. You should be in the A to Z of how to survive a Sci-Fi movie

  -L-

  Lake - A lake is home to drowned children and vengeful spirits. Do not think about taking a small wooden rowboat across a lake and falling asleep, because when you awake a demon child will drag you beneath the surface and eat you. Alternatively, you should not stay the night at a cabin by the lake as you will be stalked by a knife-wielding maniac.

  Lycanthrope - What would usually be called a werewolf is now called a lycanthrope, due to fans of Twilight and other assorted monstrosities. A lycanthrope is a wolf that has the ability to change into a long-haired nancy-boy that has a fetish for high school girls. To kill a lycanthrope, give Jack Nicholson a call and tell him to watch Twilight: New Moon. The prolific actor will fly into a inconsolable rage and proceed to extinguish all emo-related wolf-boys on the planet.

  Lemmings - Lemmings can be set to explode after a 10 second timer. Do not be near them when this happens. They can also fly with umbrellas.

  Luther Vandross - Motown legend and arch-enemy of Superman.

  Lincoln - US President famous for freeing the slaves. Little did people know that Lincoln was actually a robot being controlled by Gary Coleman's great great great Grandfather who was hiding under his hat. What you talkin bout Lincoln!

  London - The capital city of Victorian killers. Whether having a haircut or just trying to eke out a modest living by having sex with men for money, a Victorian killer will find you and cut your throat with a razor blade. Then a group of roguish children with flat caps and bad teeth will rob your corpse.

  Leprosy - If one of your friends starts to fall apart piece by rotting piece, then they may have leprosy. You should ostracise them immediately, perhaps finding some sort of 'colony' where they can be among their own kind, lest they infect you with their dirty devil-plague.

  Lead - If you need to hide from an evil Super Hero, such as Super Man in that one film where he flicks peanuts in the bar, then you should find a shed made of lead. A super hero cannot detect you in a lead box and thus will not kill you. The lead poisoning will do that...

  Leroy Clinton - Bill Clinton's secret lovechild with Bill Cosby, who happens to secretly be an elderly black woman pretending to be a lovable male comedian. Leroy Clinton is a republican and an avid supporter of equal rights in America.

  Lunatic - There are two types of a lunatic. The first is a crazy homeless person that warns you about some impending doom; these lunatics should be listened to because ten years before they were the world's leading scientist in Applied Astrophysics hunted down by a shadowy corporation and forced into hiding. The second kind of lunatic will hide his face and carry a knife. You should ignore any advice given by these types of lunatics and instead run away.

  Lust - Lust will get you killed in a horror movie - especially if Kevin Spacey is going around killing sinners. You should refrain from lust and instead devote yourself to the pursuit of scientology. Tom cruise never dies in movies and this is because of his belief that we all descended from space robots...or something.

  Lump - Lumps on your body are not good and you should get them checked out. Chances are is that they are filled with evil alien parasites, waiting to burst forth and infect the earth. You should use a reliable topical cream and wash regularly with an anti-allergenic loafer.

  -M-

  Monster - A monster can take many forms, from vampires, werewolves, and zombies, to scientologists and French Canadians. Each different kind of monster requires a different tactic to defeat. In the case of a scientologist, you should just confront them with common sense - they will run away screaming!

  Montana - Montana has mountains. Mountains contain threats such as Yetis, Leopards, and Cannibals. Basically everything in the mountains wants to eat you. In conclusion, don't bloody climb mountains.

  Mordor - Mordor is a constitional monarchy off the coast of Venezuela. It is a well-known exporter of jewellery and fanciful rings. Their headquarters is currently based at the top of an active volcano, which seems like a bad idea to me.

  Marzipan - "Shudder".

  Monkeys - Monkeys carry diseases and like to throw their own faeces - both very good reasons to avoid them.

  Monk - When fighting evil, monks will always know a ten-thousand year old secret to killing the bad guy. But rather than give this information to you directly, they will instead offer some cryptic advice that will allow you to find the answer on your own (after all of your friends have died). Monk also refers to Tony Shaloub - "shudder".

  Madonna - An ancient demon from the dawn of time - she keeps herself alive by consuming the hair of young starlets. Britney Spears was her latest victim.

  McDonalds - McDonalds have information concerning an ensuing ice age that could end humanity. To combat this, they wish to overfeed the nation to the point that we can all hibernate through the approaching winter by sustaining ourselves with the high-levels of stored body fat - much like a North American bear.

  Monty O'Bama - The president's "special" cousin that lives in the attic of The Whitehouse. He likes to eat salmon on Tuesdays, but prefers to eat crayons on all other days.

  Mission - Any mission in a horror film will begin with a team of cocksure marines that are going into a 'hot zone' to control a relatively mundane threat. Due to some unfortunate set of circumstances, the situation will escalate to involve sand demons and devil worshippers, or some sort of ancient creatures released from that cave made out of skulls that they probably should have left alone.

  Missile Launcher - If you find yourself in a fight with a Tyrant - a biological weaponised mutant-thingy - then you will at some point need to find a missile launcher to defeat it. You will not find one at first, but rest assured that one will conveniently present itself to you towards the end of the film.

  -N-

  Nails - If a guy has nails sticking out of his head then you should probably excuse yourself quietly. Certainly DO NOT ask him for DIY advice.

  Never - If you say 'never' in a horror film then that impossibility will most certainly occur. A serial killer has been chopping people up? That would 'never' happen here! CHOP!

  Nickel - The most evil of all American coins. Do touch them. Don't even look at them...

  Nile - In real life, sometime people get eaten by crocodiles in the river Nile. In a horror film, people WILL get eaten by crocodiles. Then they will get reanimated by an Egyptian phara
oh and made to go on tour as one of Lady GaGa's backing dancers.

  NBA - Nigel's Big Afro.

  Nibbles - In a horror film, whenever someone offers you nibbles, such as cheesy poofs, you will at some point notice a severed finger in the bowl or bag. Hopefully you will realise this before eating it and not after. Brings a whole new meaning to the term: 'finger-food'.

  Necks - Necks get broken or bitten by Vampires in horror films, so if you have one you're probably better just leaving it at home.

  Nipples - My nipples are very sensitive. How bout yours?

  Nelly - Nelly has a zombie infection that he has somehow managed to contain for several years in secret. Why else does he always wear that plaster on his cheek? He is either a zombie or has a severe immunity weakness that prevents his body from healing even the smallest cuts.

  Nub - Left arm plus killer's machete = Nub.

  -O-

  Oscar the Grouch - Toxic Avenger's grumpy cousin. Works as a Private Investigator currently trying to bring down a Paedophile ring on Sesame Street. He hopes to find incriminating evidence in the resident's bins. Despite being on the side of good, he has a taste for human flesh.

  Ottoman Empire - Mid-history nation that struck fear into the hearts of their enemies with their highly weaponised footstools and other assorted furniture. If you see an Ottoman man (?) then you should fight back with Georgian dinner chair.

  Otters - If an otter attaches itself to your face during a horror film, just go with it!

  Operation - In a horror film all operations will result in you awaken without any kidneys or as a soul detached from your body, wandering around the hospital and trying to avoid Patrick Swayze.

  Organ - Organ music means the Phantom of the Opera is about to descend upon you. Either that or you are about to be deafened by German synth-pop. If a stranger offers you his organ in a dark alleyway then never ever say yes.

  Outnumbered - If you are outnumbered then don't expect Gandalf to come running down the hill on a horse to save you. That would be how to survive a fantasy movie. This is horror. Don't worry if you are outnumbered in a Tarantino movie - you won't ever run out of bullets.

  Oil - If a strange black oil slick moves across a lake towards you then you should probably be moving on. You're either in a Stephen King movie r the Gulf of Mexico (too soon?)

  -P-

  Pinhead - After a particularly bad injury at work, Pinhead sued his employer and used the proceeds to set up a bachelor pad in Hell. His Thursday night parties are becoming increasingly popular and Johnny Depp is known to be a frequent attendee.

  Pumpkin Head - Again, after a particularly nasty accident at work, Pumpkin Head sued the farm that he worked on and used the proceeds to set up an entertainment company. He is available for weddings.

  Pox - If someone in a horror movie comes down with the good ol' 'pox' then it would probably be best to call a Doctor or House MD. Despite Hugh Laurie's utter rudeness, he will find time in the last five minutes to have a wonderful breakthrough and cure your condition.

  Prostitute - Prostitute's typically get murdered in horror films so if you ae a hooker, I suggest that you stop. Giving massages with 'happy endings' may be okay but make sure that the only reason you are doing it is to pay your college tuition - this is the only acceptable reason in a horror movie if you wish to live.

  Pistol - If you are based in the 1940s up against demon-possessed Nazis in an ancient castle then a pistol may be a common means of defence. In a modern-day horror film however they are a little bit girly. You should replace the pistol with a 'hand cannon'.

  Pasta - Pasta is a healthy, easily preserved staple food that is ideal during a zombie-siege situation. Macaroni’s is best but fusilli will suffice in a pinch. Zombie survivors cannot afford to be picky.

  Police - In a horror film where you are being held captive, a police officer will always come to question your tormentors but will then leave, satisfied with the answers. Just as the officer is about to get in his car, you will manage to knock something over in the basement and alert him. By this time, however, it is too late and the officer will then turn around only to be stabbed or shot. Makes you wonder why they always decide to investigate kidnapping cases solo.

  Parasite - Someone that collects welfare could be considered this, but in a horror movie they are typically little slug like creatures that enjoy entering people's noses or eyes. The best bet is to burn them, or get really drunk to dehydrate them if they are inside your body. Lady Gaga is infected with several Martian parasites and this at least explains her fashion choices.

  Paris Hilton - Paris Hilton is a biological weapon constructed by a terrorist organisation to infect all human males with syphilis. Her mission is simple: sleep with the entire male population and destroy us all.

  Pigs - Pigs are cute, but pig-masks are not. Someone wearing a pig-mask will undoubtedly wish to kill you so run away. Rosie O’Donnell is not wearing a pig-mask - that's just her face.

  Puppies - Puppies are the cutest thing known to man, but in a horror movie they will always end up dead, hanging in your closet. As a result, all puppies are henceforth banned from horror movies.

  -Q-

  Quill - If you see someone writing with a quill then you are in the old times. The old times are subject to bubonic plague, werewolves, and dragons. Also a weird old woman with a messed-up white eye.

  Quick - In a horror movie, being quick is good. It is also very good to shout 'come on, quick' at your fellow survivors wherever possible. In a horror movie, any sexual encounters will also be 'quick' due to editing constraints.

  Quest - A quest is more the realm of fantasy than horror, but if you do find yourself questing in a horror film then you should don your level 8 machete of wounding and get your kill on.

  Queensland - Queensland is in Australia. In Australia, everything wants to kill you!

  Quip - The more heroic quips you can make in the face of danger, the more likely you are to make it to the end. You will still likely die however, but rest assured you will have a suitably witty one-liner prepared for just that occasion.

  -R-

  Robert the Bruce - Trusting Robert the Bruce will result in your being hung, drawn, and quartered. If you bump into this historic Scot, then please slap the git in the face and say 'that's for Braveheart, you bitch.'

  Randy Savage - Randy Savage was our only hope in defeating the abominable Hulk Hogan and his evil deeds of self-promotion and backstabbing. The world is a less tolerable place now that he is gone. Randy Poffo RIP.

  Rickshaw - If you find yourself on the back of a Rickshaw then you may be in China. In China you will be abducted so that your organs can be sold on the black market. Good luck to you. You may also get Bird Flu.

  Razor - A man with a razor will most likely try to slash your throat, but a man 'called' Razor will probably be a badass anti-hero that will save your sorry ass. If you plan on kicking some zombie butt, then perhaps you should consider changing your name to Razor?

  Reel - If you find an old-fashioned film reel then it will certainly contain footage of a snuff film. You will then begin a life-consuming obsession to discover the identity of the girl in the film and bring her killers to justice. You WILL enter a murky underworld of pornography and you WILL get a little bit aroused by it.

  Reality Show - In a horror movie, all reality shows are evil. They are either TV death matches set in the future, enjoyed by millions, or seedy little torture games watched by a select group of millionaires. Either way, don't apply to be on one.

  Russians - Russians are bad guys - that's what they are there for. So in any horror movie that contains a Russian, always keep one eye on him and be sure to blame him for stuff whenever you get the chance. The Russian is quickly becoming replaced by the' Arab'.

  Republicans - Republicans are all secret drug-smoking, abortion supporting, prostitute-killing, atheists that spend most of their time arguing to the contrary. They do not like foreigners, and play a lot of golf.

&nb
sp; Ready or not - Do not play hide and seek in a horror movie. You will not like what you find.

  Rich - Anyone rich in a horror movie is evil. They will pay to watch you killed or pay to create an immortality serum that actually creates zombies instead. Anyone with the name, Rich, will probably be okay though - unless their surname is 'Simmons'.

  -S-

  Sex - Oh yes! Sex is good, but in a horror movie it is bad. If you starting humping a pretty girl, then she will probably grow big teeth and eat you, or if she is innocent a big machete-wielding maniac will come up behind you and show you the true meaning of the word 'penetration'.